A long way to say a short phrase

I really haven't done much with xanga lately- I'm sorry.  I just have a hard time of totally putting the things I want in here, or opening up to the point I can share my life in this way.  I am the type of person who thinks way more than I could ever put down, and it just gets frustrating and sometimes painful trying to catalog certain things.

In certain aspects, I'm more detail oriented than goal oriented.  And while that can be a wonderful thing at times- allowing me to see many small facets and beauties of life- it can also cause many problems.  I get off track, swayed by all the intracies, offshoots and multiple solutions.  I'm somewhat aloof; scatterbrained.  I get flustered and frustrated by small elements of certain tasks and thought (my handwriting in a note, the margins and angle of lines, word choices) to the point that some people wonder what the hell I'm doing.

I had a big arguement with one boss once- he wanted a simple cup design, and I worked on one for a week.  It was marvelous, and I gave him six or seven different options- color choices, designs, elements and approaches.  He wasn't too thrilled.  He had someone else do a mock-up at the factory at the same time.  They turned it around in two days.  He came to me and beamed about how fast it was done, even though it looked like total shit.  And I told him that anyone could turn out a piece of shit in a mere couple of hours, but when you want to put out the right image, it takes some time and thought.  It got ugly at that point.

And there is a good example- I totally got off on a tangent to try and better explain something that really most people I guess figure out about me. I can't really help that. I like the full story.  The only problem with the full story is that it truely never can be told.

How can you share a life through footnotes?  I always come to this problem, because I never know what to share.  Part of me wants to be silly, to tell antecdotes and stories.  Part of me wants to share all the moments of enlightenment and thought- the deeper things that challenge and suprise me.  Part of me wants to talk about my struggles and life- to try and let people in.  The search and sharing of humor and happiness, wisdom, truth, understanding, compassion; part of me wants to do it all.. and it becomes a daunting afair.

I guess I really don't think of this as a journal, but a microcasm of me.  And unfortunately, one of my great flaws is a strange sense of perfectionism and procrastination.  I want to make sure something is done right and to its full intent; I contemplate it, formulate it and really wrap myself in it.  But sometimes in the process, I realize that I can't complete it to my satisfaction, or finish it in time.  And that leads me to put it off until I can invest myself.  It's a pretty foolish affair.

But that's who I am, and its one of the flaws most visible in this kind of thing. I guess its something that I'm working on.  Maybe I won't give as much info, or all the details- ask me if you want more; I always love sharing it.

In a nutshell:
• I'm doing better than I have been in a while.

• Been really struggling with certain aspects of life (metaphysically/philosophically speaking- well, in some ways, in the physical sense too.)  Trying to wrap my head around what matters and what I can leave behind.  I know I worry too much.

• I've decided I'm making a list of things I want to do. Big things, small things, even silly things- everything that I would like to accomplish in life.  I think it will be good for me, not only to think about everything that I can acomplish

• I'm starting the job hunt. Its kind of a daunting thought, considering I have no idea where to really start or what I want to look for, but nonetheless, I am hitting the pavement. Part of me fears doing it, and part of me is excited.  Its honestly been a struggle up to this point because of my mental state, but I'm optimistic.

• I think about a lot of friends- I miss some people that are very dear to me.  I just want you to know no matter how far we might seem, or what might have transpired- you still mean a great deal and are close to my heart.

• I have learned a lot recently.  Some lessons that others have tried to share now make sense- I'm sorry I couldn't see it then.  A lot has happened in my life the last 6 months; and although its been dark- I think some might be suprised to see it through my eyes.

Please be patient with me, I procrastinate and am stubborn in life, but in my heart is always the first to lead.

Vegas Baby... Vegas

With the weather the blimp ride is probably a no go.
Just one more thing in a string of incidents lately.

Losing streaks have to come around sometimes they say.  The trick is to bring enough cash to the table to ride it out... it's all a risk.  Sometimes one you just can't afford to take.

Oh... and who did I talk to about needing a livejournal?

Ask and you shall recieve?

This is a long one, so be prepared- you have been thoroughly warned. There are two amazingly big things coming up for me here quickly and also a few direct responses to people.  Feel free to skip parts if you so chose (look for the line breaks.) 

I'm a little disappointed- I'm going to have to miss the Thursday/Thrice/Coheed show this Saturday in Cleveland.  As much as I wanted to go, I just couldn't be in two places, and I'm going to be out in sunny LA!!!  I'm really elated about it... I can't wait.

It's all very last minute- which in and of itself is a rare thing for me.  I've been wanting to go for a while to visit friends and see the place where so many people search for their dreams.  I've never been to California- the only part of the Pacific I've seen has been the Northwest- Washington, Canada, Alaska, and I just have wanted to experience it all.

But there were never any kind of real oppertunities- the timing was usually bad, I really didn't know what to do, where to go or even know where to stay.  I didn't want to show up as a tourist- it's such a busy,stressful way to experience something, and I don't want to travel somewhere that I need to recouperate from when I get home.

I prefer more of an intimate experience with the places I go.  I like to see what really makes places special, why people fall in love with it all.  It usually means more than just stopping somewhere for a 15 minute tour and photo op.  I never had any real sense that this was going to be possible- for a while at least, and it seemed more of a distant idea than anything I would have banked on at the time.

But in a few short days, everything seemed to fall together and it worked out spectacularly.  There was a special sale on a weekender round trip fare that I really couldn't pass up.  Everyone seemed to have time free, and work has been a bit slow because everyone went to a convention last weekend.  This is the perfect time in my life for this- its something that I need right now, and I know a few people who will really appreciate it right now too.

And if Nashville AND LA aren't enough excitement for one month, a week from Sunday I get to take another little excursion.. on the Goodyear blimp!!  My dad picked up tickets at a charity auction- they are very hard to come by.  They can only hold something like 12 people, counting the crew, and the blimps aren't in town that often due to scheduling with sporting event coverage and publicity things.  Tickets often start at $500 a piece.

For those that don't know, Goodyear is corporately based here in Akron.  They have a massive expanse of property, "Wingfoot Lake," about 20 minutes south of town where they have an old steel airdock that houses and repairs blimps.  They used to have two- the primary, newer airdock facility and plants were next to the small plane airport on the near south side of town.  It's kind of a proud landmark of the city.  They ended up selling off the facility to Lockheed-Martin around 15 years ago, scaling down their opperations and moving everything back out to Suffield.

My grandfather worked maintenance on the airdock.  He's told some pretty crazy stories over the years.  His job gave him a very intimate understanding of the place- sometimes more than anyone would really want to have.  He had to do some very menial tasks like change the airplane warning lights and things, but when it's snowing heavily and you have to climb out on a domed, polymer-surfaced roof without much safety equiptment to do it- easy jobs can become nightmares.  To get an idea of scale- it can house two fully inflated blimps with ease and plenty of room to spare.  It's so big that if the conditions are right and the two huge bay doors are closed, it will actually have it's own atmosphere inside, producing clouds and rain if the humidity is high enough.

I remember once as a kid, we all went to family day, where they opened up the whole facility for everyone to walk through.  He took us all over the place, even some that I don't think we were supposed to see.  We were there for better part of a Saturday, and we couldn't even come close to walking through the whole thing.  I was always a little mesmorized by that place.

Goodyear was very big on family back then.  Out at Wingfield Lake, they converted much of the property to an employee-only park.  We had many Archer reunions over the summers there.  I think my family went just for the horseshoe pits- it's something they were really passionate about.  The competition was always fierce and fun to watch.  They had these huge, amazing slides, and rubber surfaces (naturally) which wasn't done at the time.  They had a large, full boathouse which you could head out on the lakes and explore the little islands- they allowed people to camp there if you wanted as well.  It was really a beautiful place.

I guess you could say Goodyear and the blimps have always kind of been a part of my childhood.  I remember cool summer nights hearing the low hum overhead and the magical feeling as these larger than life airships coasted effortsly past my house.  Chasing down the urban roads on a bike trying to follow it to see where it goes.  Seeing the screens on the sides light up for the first time as the flying billboard lured mesmorized us- no matter how interrested in the message you were, you'd always pay atention to whatever the blimp said.  I remember even driving out on the back roads to my grandparents, passing the docks at Wingfoot in the early morning and stopping to watch the blimp roll out of its large metal house to greet the day, attached by a thread to a hitching post on a transport truck.

So yeah- trying to come back to the point... this is really exciting to me to be able to go up in something that has always seemed more of a ghost- catching glimpses here and there, but living mostly in the hearts of people as myths and legends.  And I get to go up... another once-in-a-lifetime thing.  I can't wait!!

This has turned out to be one of the best months I've had in a long while, even in spite of all the emotional and heady things...

Adam- I would totally love to take you up on that offer and head down sometime and see the two of you.  Maybe I could take you guys out to dinner or for drinks (cafinated or alcoholic)  or something of that ilk.  Do you have a weekend in mind?

Bradey- be careful what you wish for, right?  Heh.  If you really want to see more updates, check my live journal as well- they are totally independant of each other, and you'll find different info and things there.  Just make sure you log in.  I'd like to talk to you more about the whole "counting on people" stuff sometime- maybe it'll have to be an email or phone call convo though.

Oh, and in your one comment, I guess I had a daft moment, but I could not figure out who this "Yanno" person was.  I mean I really pondered that one for quite a while- is that a friend of yours, a pet name, or are you mistaking me for someone else?  It just didn't click.  At all.  I'm such a goof sometimes.

Ashley- Hello. Thank you for the kind words.  It really means a lot to me for you to say those things.

Trina- Yeah... I hope so, I really do. It's just downtown here doesn't really have that much to offer, if you recall... 

Gladis- Hi!  I said all of that because I tend to live in my head when sometimes I just need to take an action.  I've been mulling over quite a few life options for me for a number of years without doing anything more than surface exploration.  I mean I've learned a lot, grown quite a bit and experienced some pretty unique things over the years that I wouldn't have been able to if I was strictly focused on attaining certain things that people are "supposed" to have.

But there comes a time when you need to do something you can build apon- where you can start to move forward and provide for more of a future that you want or would like to have- not just enjoying the great experiences that come along the way.  I'm not pushing for becoming so focused on the future that I have to cut out everything to achieve success. Life is such a joy, and I want to have amazing stories and things to show for it, but I can't always detour my life to do it.  Living in the moment for those kind of things has it's own consequences, and I don't want to miss out on all the amazing things that life has because I wasn't willing to lay a foundation to make it possible.

I never meant to imply that everything is some drastic idea of success/fail.  Life isn't and has never been as black and white as people like to believe- and truth be told, no one would really enjoy it if it was.  We live and thrive in the shades of grey because it is unknown and dangerous and multi-facetted.  The outcome can always go either way. 

But it's really not about outcome or the challenge, more about cleaning house so my life isn't in such disarray.  I need to do take some big strides do something concrete and definative in my life.  My life is full of loose ends, unfinished projects and things I've dabbled in, and it's just becoming a clutter and a hinderance to me, you know? 

Having options is great, but if you never act on them, what good are they?  I can't hoard away my life just so can always have something available.  Doors will open and close all the time- and it's like I'm trying to continually put my foot in the doors and prop all of them open, and I'm running out of strength and obects to act as door stops.  Anyway- enough metaphors.  I need to take action and really persue something instead of thinking of all the possibilities and not doing anything in the mean time.

Anyone or anything I missed or you'd like to talk about?

two hand tap rules apply...

Boy, it's been a while.

So what's new you ask... hmmm
The world is a very different place it seems.

• I went down to Nashville this weekend to visit Jim, look at the area and schools.  I've been flirting of moving down and going back to school for a while- I thought it's high time that I actually made a move and really persue things, one way or another and stop screwing around.  Either do it, or rule it out completely, but at least come closer to figureing something out.  It was an amazing, whirlwind trip.

• It's been almost two months since Trina broke up with me.  Its funny how things change- which promises are kept between the two of you, which are just wishful thoughts and kind words so you don't feel like so much of an ass when it all goes south.  At least we had the good thoughts and really tried, right?

I'm not laying any blame, or bitter about it at all; I'm very thankful for the time we had.  It's just interresting how certain things end up changing sometimes.  I still love her and care about her and want the best for her, no matter how things are between us at the moment.  We live and we learn, and everything in due time I guess...

• I've had to say goodbye to a few really close friendships.  It's a very hard thing to do- shutting someone you care so much about out of your life.  No matter how much distance falls between, you still can't help but care; you can't help but watch from a distance as you slowly back away.

Maybe this is the new goodbye.  No longer a firm handshake, kind words or some large falling out, just a strange exchange and a longing, distant last glace as everyone goes their own way.  And it seems like I have to go through all this again... cutting ties and strange goodbyes aren't my forte.

• I'm really getting to a breaking point at work.  I'm at a job that is enjoyable and challenging, but is just a constant stress and frustration for me.  I love the work, but everything else that goes along with it drives me up a wall.  I think it's good though.  I never saw this as a career position- everyone knew it was a platform position- maybe it's just my time to jump.

• General malaise has hit me again.  I love this time of year; it's probably one of my favorites- crisp air, new colours and textures, the crunch beneath your feet, harvest moons, layered clothes, leaf pile wrestling, pick-up football games, pumpkins and cider...  it's also a very difficult time of year for me.  My body doesn't do well with all the climatic and barometric fluctuations; my mind doesn't handle the loss of daylight, feelings and memories well.  I've had some very tough days.

With everything being so up in the air in my life, it makes it that much harder when you're not facing at your best, and have lost parts of your support system that you really relied on to help you through the changes.  It's kind of funny- at one point a while back, I was okay being pretty alone.  I had resolved myself to face everything with a brave face and a personal strength.  Granded, I wasn't that great at it, but I was okay dealing with things on my own.

But now that I've allowed myself to open up to other possibilities, I find it so much harder to regain that self-reliant strength.  Maybe that's a good thing, maybe I relied on myself far too much....

Even with all the heavy stuff going on, I'm honestly okay.  Life is a very beautiful thing, and no matter what the difficulty, nothing can steal my joy in it.  I have been so blessed throughout my life and it just contsantly amazes me to no end.  Even in dire circumstances, I have seen His hand, felt His touch and know His face, and that's really all that matters.  It's just being able to remember that at the times when it's needed...

So the gist of it all seems to be that this is a time of big transition for me.  Everything seems to be pointing to change; God is really calling me out on this one.  It's hard though because no real door is opening; nothing is concrete- no symbols, roadmaps or signage to help light the way.  Stepping out in faith, searching God and trusting... it's such a hard thing to do, especially with all the worries and doubts that always seem to come.

Everyone should see "Secondhand Lion."  It's an amazingly beautiful piece of filmwork.  Easily my favorite release of the year and something I would consider an instant classic.  It's what a movie should be.

Don't you just hate it when you say you miss people, and no one replies?  Maybe they just don't miss me.  At least xanga misses me... no?  Xanga doesn't miss me either.  Dang.